Finding a Reason
December 13, 2005
What makes a man break and come to his knees begging for mercy, knowledge and guidance? What can drive a once semi-religious family to not be and yet lead them back as individuals?
If you talk to anyone, they will tell you, I am not religious at all. I have not been to a church service since Easter 1997. My brother and I used to be ushers for the church to not going at all. That was the last time I went to a service since the death of my father. They read his name that day and I never went back.
In recent weeks, for some reason the feeling of going to church 9 years after my father died. If I follow through it will be a very emotional experience for me. Many have tried to get me to go their services, but I refuse, because this is something so personal that I feel if I go just to go with someone else, I will not be going willingly and being open. Plus, on a poetic level, I want to go back to my church, the place where my father's funeral marked his death and ending of my semi-religious times to now become a new birth of sorts for new time (don't worry, I am not a crazy religious fanatic and that is my church in the picture).
Below is a poem I once wrote which gives you a good idea as to how I have been feeling.
Letter
This is a letter to you lord
This accord
Needed time to heal
But lets set the record straight
He was supposed to live
Teach and help us grow
That was the deal
Haven’t come to your home
In many years time
Not because of hate
Because I needed time to heal
Still have a hard time
Seeing through the tears of mine
You never made it easy on me
Never expected you to
I mean why would you?
It’s a part of life
To feel pain, compassion and glory
Not for me
Pain is my friend
Love has forgotten me
Left me with shattered dreams
Precious memories
Never thought I would write this letter
Who knows if you will get this
Or even better
Leave me the way you did in the past
You know
When you took my father
And left me and my family with nothing to grasp
But some torn clothes from that dreary day
Yeah, that’s love
I already know what you have to say
That you love me
Always by my side
That it was his time
That you held me when the times were rough
Well maybe you did
But I was only a child
With a brother and mother who were with me crying
To say we have stopped
I would be lying
I need to know you understand
That I never stopped coming because I was mad
Just confused to how life works
Why it was his time then
What my role was
How I am supposed to live?
Pain took me over
Tears still role down my cheek
I hope you understand I feel pain
I am only a man
This, me, am your creation
I only ask one favor
When I have a child
And teaching him to be a man
Give me a warning of limited time left
So I can take his hand
Tell him that I love him
To be who he wants to be
Leave him with a smile
That I will watch him
With wings spread open
That’s all I ask
I never knew I could finish this letter
Tell him that I love him
That tears still flow each day for him
Years have passed and not forgotten
Time in your house
Will be there when it opens.
- Ryan Toth
posted by Total Core Fitness Bootcamp @ 12/13/2005 08:34:00 AM,
1 Comments:
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At 8:51 PM,
said...
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Hello, I got here through BlogExplosion. Just wanted to say this is a beautiful poem. I haven't lost my dad yet (and hopefully not for years to come) but I could sympathize and relate with the emotions you conveyed. I still go to Church every Sunday but I've gone through some of the same emotions as you - not really mad at God, but sometimes, like you said, "Just confused to how life works". Holidays are probably a weird time, but I hope you have a good one!
Oh, I noticed you're a Lost fan as well :) This hiatus is testing my patience.
The Author
Coach Ryan
Ryan is twenty seven years old and recently married. Him and his wife are expecting their first child in May. One of his current jobs is as a personal trainer. He also volnteers as a youth football head coach, the players are 8-11 yrs old.
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This blog is the thoughts and ramblings of what goes on in my head. Sometimes it could be modivational and other times it could be complete insanity. Thats the beauty of it all.
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